I have found myself seeking silence more and more these past weeks. The tiny crevices between dusk and dawn when the air becomes saturated with magic. I am alone with my thoughts and ink I feel something reawakening in my soul.

I have always been drawn to the moon and I become enraptured by the enchantment of the night sky. The stars are sorely missed here in the city, where we rarely have the fortune of the sky being clear enough to gaze upon them. The artificial light and dust acts as a shield, and the playful stars enjoy their game of hide-and-seek.

During my time at home I found myself gazing at the heavens more than once. Tracing the saturation with my eyelashes. All the while getting back in tune with my inner-dialogue. Over the past five years I had grown to detest my inner voice and would do everything in my power to drown it out. It felt good to finally listen to it again after all this time. So much of my time has been wasted away with one distraction after another. I was alive but not truly living.

Day-Dreamer, Night-Thinker

This wrestling with solitude, and the clarification of introspection, has brought many of my latent issues to light. My sleep schedule for one.

I have a love-hate relationship with sleep. She and I have not been very kind to one another in the slightest. It is one of my many struggles that I have only recently acknowledged as being potentially problematic. I want nothing more than to fall asleep early, and yet the angst follows me to my bed. This has lead to much tossing and turning. At one point I even gave myself panic attacks due to my fear of the precipice that lies between asleep and awake. It also has something to do with nighttime, because I am perfectly capable of napping without a problem during the day.

This is a recurring problem in Dubai. For some reason I find it much easier to fall asleep at a decent time back home in SA. After a couple of therapy sessions, we established that many of my thought processes are irrational. Essentially, this is a huge part of anxiety. This is what happens when I lie in bed by myself and I’m not completely exhausted. I have time to think about whatever I wish, and my thoughts have become used to their path of negativity.

They follow the same patterns without second-guessing themselves, as I have allowed this to continue for so long. I have not always identified my irrational thoughts for what they are. Thus, I could not attempt to steer them into a more positive direction. I think this stems from my initial homesickness when I first arrived in Dubai. The addition of WiFi as a distraction didn’t help matters.

I became reliant on technology to lull me to sleep. Now I am doing my darnedest to rectify the situation and wean myself off the techno-lullaby and phony-fireworks.

My therapist also encouraged me to keep a journal about my thoughts. Writing them down makes it easier to keep track and identify possible patterns that might emerge. I kept a small journal for the week I was home and I haven’t gotten back to it again since I returned to Dubai. I guess it’s time to crack open my old journal from last year and fill the remaining pages. I can’t even recall why I stopped writing in it at this point. Probably got distracted as per usual.

Night Owl Turned Early Bird

I hadn’t realised how truly uncomfortable I was with merely listening to my thoughts, until I tried having 10 minutes of silence as soon as I wake up. Without checking my phone first thing or hitting snooze and rolling back to sleep. It was unimaginably difficult to sit up and spend time analysing my natural thought process. My fingers were aching to turn on some music or a TV show. Eventually this became easier to bare and I actually began to enjoy it.

A few weeks ago I read The Miracle Morning by Hal Elrod, and I wanted nothing more than to create a morning routine and wake up before everyone in the house. I managed to do this a couple of times and I fell head over heels with the concept.

I am now in love with the stillness of a day that has just begun. It’s more satisfying to know I am awake before everyone else, rather than envying them their sleep while I stay awake to all hours trying to get all my work done. Those extra couple of hours after sunrise, to check my emails, make breakfast, clean the apartment, and read my book with a cappuccino in hand, are all deliciously guilt-free. It doesn’t make it any easier for me to drag my eyes open though. Once I sit up in bed, the rest of the routine follows suit.

I am clearly still working out the kinks but a clear mindset helps so much. I am more productive and I feel more refreshed when I have time to sort my life out before the rush of the day intrudes. It’s also an indescribable feeling to get my yoga and workout done first thing and not hating myself for the rest of the day for putting it off. My habit tracker this month is more of a scattered and segmented rainbow than an empty slate so I’ll take that as progress.

Listen. Can you hear it? The music…

My favourite movie of all time is August Rush. An interesting take on the old Oliver Twist scenario, but about a musical prodigy with a troubled past, searching for his long lost parents. It’s not really a musical in the traditional sense, but the music they make in this movie takes your breath away and brings you to tears.

August is such a pure character and I adored him instantly. After I wrote all of this, it made me think of him and how he hears music in the mundane. In a field or a crowded street. Always perfectly content to be by himself, finding the beauty in the ordinary.

August is my inspiration for the rest of my journey into discovering my own version of silence. Maybe I’ll find a little music along the way too.

Do you have struggles with sleep routines or being alone with your thoughts? Let me know and we can exchange tips!

Until next time,

xoxo

Binx