Overthinking

Is there such a thing as too much thinking? I think there is. For the past few months I have been feeling slightly overwhelmed by they blogosphere and social media. I have read posts from so many amazing bloggers, and they each have their own unique and exquisite style. However, in the back of my mind I have constantly been searching for the ‘right’ way to blog. The ‘right’ way to write and speak my mind on this web of connections. Until today, when I decided to ask myself why am I doing this? Why am I looking for a guideline or approval from someone else? I didn’t have an answer. I felt lost. I was feeling that way more and more about life in general.

I am currently studying in Dubai, and it was beginning to feel like a temporary stop-over in my life’s journey, but it isn’t. It is one of many destinations and I haven’t decided what the next one will be yet. I have had it in my mind that I have to go to Australia and I was spending (essentially wasting) so much of my time daydreaming about Australia and the life I could have there. I was overlooking the great life I have here. This happens to many people when they are too focused on aiming at the future, that they neglect the present. That’s not a fun way to live. The only time we really have is now. The past and future are only ideas and we will never fully be able to grasp them in our hands. This is why we need to make as much of the current moment as we possibly can.

I noticed throughout my little habits of sitting on a cloud and thinking about the future, that I have picked up some unhealthy habits too. I began to say things to myself like “oh, you’ll have time for that later, or tomorrow, don’t bother doing it now” and in this way I would begin to waste time and procrastinate instead of making full use of my time. I started to play games on my phone, and Facebook is full of me sharing things while I could be doing anything else. Netflix is amazing, but I think it should have a limit of episodes you can watch per day. After all of this, I still find myself wondering where all of the time has gone and why it has passed so swiftly. Time was running away from me, because I stopped appreciating it.

Maybe one day I will move to Australia, or maybe I won’t. My life hasn’t always followed a plan and the universe has had many surprises, but I always seem to end up where I need to be. I didn’t expect to transfer Universities after barely two years of studying. I thought I would be staying at my previous one for another two years, and then possibly move to England. Now I am in a position to transfer to Australia. These little oddities have occurred repeatedly throughout my life. I never end up where I think I will, but I have learned to trust that my path always leads to delightfully perfect destinations. None of them have merely been stops along the way. I have met inspiring people who have taught me a lot. I have also come across a few lessons in the form of friends, nevertheless I don’t regret a single moment. Every second of my life has brought me to where I am now and I have gone through many changes and (hopefully) become a better person for it all.

Over the past 20 years (and seven months) I have moved houses/apartments around 10 times and schools/universities about 9 times.This is probably one of the reasons why I have mixed feelings about moving and a big part of me wants to settle down. Another part of me enjoys the adventure of seeing new sights and meeting new people and starting over. There is something very appealing about having a blank canvas to redefine yourself. I have been good and bad at making new friends, depending on my current mindset and how confident I felt in myself. It was easier at age 4 to make friends, and more difficult during the fifth grade, now at twenty, it is easier again. I like myself more, so it is simpler to think that other people would like me too. Every version of me has been the way she needed to be to meet the right souls at the time.

I have had many many people who I considered my “best friend” at that particular moment in my life. I consider a best (or a even a good/close friend) someone who is there for you during that particular part of the journey that is your life. A soul who gets on well with your own. Sometimes they find a distraction along the way and leave you behind, or perhaps you are the one who finds the distraction and leaves them. Other times you reach a crossroads and you both pick different paths. It may happen that one walks faster and the other cannot keep up. This is not always a choice, as we all have different lives and different reasons for how fast we go and which direction we pick. Friends come and go, but they all have a reason for having been a friend to you. I have had a friend for a day and never seen them again. That doesn’t make the day any less fun, or them less of a friend.

I was watching the Gilmore Girls the other day (it popped up on Netflix and I vaguely remember it being on TV when I was a kid) and I related a lot to Rory in Season 2 Episode 7. She is told that her teachers have noticed that she is quite anti-social at school and she is encouraged to make friends instead of reading during lunch time. At the end of the episode, she follows their advice and her new friends get her into a bit of trouble. She responds to this by saying that the teachers are only noticing what they want to see, and they don’t see her relationship with her family or friends in her hometown. (Side note- I really love the series. Their wit and quick thinking is on point and I want to get some tips.)

I have been feeling some similar things as of late. I have been at my new university for two months now and I haven’t made a new “best friend” here. There is usually a “best friend” for every place. At school, at home, at dance class, or even in the neighborhood. I have made many friends here, but I still sometimes prefer my own company with a book (on my tablet) or my laptop (sometimes work, sometimes play) and listening to study music or the like. For the fist few weeks I missed my friends at my old uni so much. They were always there and I never had time to spend by myself. At home in South Africa, I am also not alone very often. There is usually at least one person (more often 5) at the house, and going anywhere alone is not something I am allowed to do. Thus I became accustomed to the constant presence of people and I started to rely on it. I would wonder around aimlessly for a while, and then I would seek out people to spend time with or just to have a chat. If this goes on long enough, you stop knowing how to be by yourself (especially in public) and it feels weird or wrong to be alone.

Until…. epiphany! I remembered the little girl that could spend hours with her nose in a book, at home or at school, not noticing if there was a person or an elephant or a ghost beside her. I didn’t always need someone’s presence to make me feel okay. I was fine by myself and didn’t seek out company that often. I found that part of myself again and I am very glad I did. I don’t want to spend quite as much time reading fantasy novels though (fun as it may be), I do however want to spend more time learning and improving myself. I want to be a protagonist that is worth reading about and experience’s some character development. You are the main character of your own story after all, and you are also the author. Writing yourself as a boring character isn’t much fun.

I was overthinking so much these past few months that my thoughts were having thoughts of their own. There is no right or wrong way to blog, to make friends, or to spend time alone. I am me and I want to be the best me possible. I don’t need to waste so much time trying to be someone else’s idea of a good protagonist, writer, blogger, or friend.

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