Where Did I Go?

A couple of days ago I realised that I had started this blog in June 2016. That means that I have officially been a blogger for 2 years now. I can honestly say it doesn’t feel like so much time has passed me by. I keep thinking I have more of it than I actually do. I’m already in the middle of another trimester at uni.

Looking back on where I was two years ago is like looking at someone else’s life entirely. I was in South Africa during my 5-month long summer holiday, enjoying winter in the Southern Hemisphere. Currently, I am at a completely new university on the other side of Dubai and here they don’t give us that lovely long break. Instead, we are halfway through our summer trimester. And let me tell you, summer in the UAE is no joke.

Life has been a rollercoaster since that freezing winter/summer holiday which then turned into a perpetual summer with no escape. I haven’t really thought much about how I’ve changed over the past two years in much detail. However, when I went and reread some of my very first posts on this blog I was very intrigued by the changes I saw. I remember that I was so excited to start this writing journey and I spontaneously found a few creative ways to tell my tale.

For those of you who have been reading my rambles since the beginning, you will know that I started out as Fireberry and only later decided to morph into Binx Thinx. I spent some time at my new university learning about social media presence and some things that bloggers should apparently be aware of. I quickly felt like I wasn’t in my comfort zone anymore. Blogs weren’t what I was doing. They were more like articles or reviews that helped people with something. At least that is what I assumed from what they were teaching us. Bloggers were social influencers and they developed followings and they had professional photographers and so much more. It was suddenly very intimidating, especially here in Dubai where many people can afford all the luxuries in the world.

I became very unsure of myself and what I had to say. I didn’t know there were so many criteria that had to be fulfilled when I started writing in the middle of the night, cuddled up in pyjamas on the couch, introducing my thoughts to the internet for the first time. Had I made a mistake? I took a look around and decided No. This was my little space in the world to talk about what’s on my mind. That’s all. It didn’t have to be anything else or for anyone else.

Additional chapters

Somewhere along the lines, I dabbled in poetry and fell in love. I wrote a few poems on here and then when I decided to make a corresponding Instagram account, my poetry followed suit. It’s a fun way to tell a story or let go of what’s on my mind without needing to be so direct about it. There can be hidden meanings in my poems and I’ll be the only one who ever knows what they really are. I was having fun.

Then we get to what I really want to be doing. Writing stories. I still have a bit of a fear when it comes to prose. It is quite an intimidating environment and one I have always desperately wanted to join but ultimately been too afraid to take the leap. I wrote one story for a challenge and it is now in a book. Other than that, I haven’t gotten past developing characters and brief plot ideas. There is still something holding me back and I don’t want it to anymore.

Nevertheless, my desire for novel writing ended up leading me back to the realm of the bookworms. When I was younger I devoured books and then suddenly my appetite changed and I was lured in by social drama and media. I’m ecstatic that I made my way back to reading again. I started to review books too and reflecting on them in a more tangible way has assisted me in looking at the stories from a different perspective. My inner book lover also made her way to my Instagram account and suddenly I developed a style of photography that spoke to my heart. I have always loved my books and the visual representation of what I have been reading turned into something beautiful.

Lose Myself Again

Sometimes I feel like I’m a pretender and don’t deserve the titles of blogger, writer, or poet. I guess I just need to do a little more of it all so that eventually the names flow off the tongue effortlessly. There is a lot I have been too hesitant to include in my writing, and simultaneously it was consuming my mind and my life. The written word brings clarity to the confusion and it was easy to hide away beneath my covers and turn the laptop away from me. Familiar excuses are eager to lead me to distractions and illusions while the words continue to toss and turn in my head, causing sleepless nights and dozing days.

A lot has happened in my life over the past few years, and not enough has happened in my writing. I lost myself in life and love and now I would like to lose myself in words and writing. I don’t regret my journey that has lead me here, on the contrary, I have learned so much about myself and countless other parts of this rollercoaster we call life. Looking back can sometimes seem a little blurry because every second takes us into the future but it is necessary to think about the past on occasion and to make better decisions if history is inclined to repeat itself for some or other reason.

I hope the next two years of my blogging and self-discovery will be even more fruitful than the first two. Even with all my doubts, I have so many people who support and love me and who have encouraged me to continue writing and learning. I cannot even begin to express how grateful I am for you. I’m excited for things to come, and I hope you are too.

xoxo

Binx

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