I’ve only been living this life for 22 years (and 364 days) but in that time I have lived through so many stories. Comedies, Coming of Age, a Romance here and there, and even a Tragedy or three.

All the while learning and growing, no matter the genre or theme. I’ve been the supporting character, the antagonist and the protagonist when I’ve been lucky, insistent or self-aware. Breaking the fourth wall to talk to myself and the audience is fun too.

They all make up the saga that is my life. Sometimes I want to hit the author and other times I want to kiss him/her. In the end, I know (s)he has some sort of plan so I trust that this is all heading somewhere eventually.

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I moved around quite a bit while growing up, and with every new school, every new place and every new friend I saw a new possibility of a future. With each change I had to say goodbye to that future and tuck it away in my heart’s memories, alongside all the others that never came to be either.

I like to think that alternate universes exist. I imagine that our universe splits up into a new one every time someone comes into a fork in the metaphorical road of their life, and makes a choice. The other choice is followed in a different life in a different dimension, by the person you were a split second before making that life-altering decision.

We rarely realise how much of an impact one tiny decision can make on the outcome of our lives.

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Somewhere out there are thousands of other Bianca’s living their own realities down the road less traveled (for me). It probably seems a bit out-there, but it makes me feel less alone to think about the possibility, even if it’s only in my imagination.

This probably sounds a bit confusing but what I mean is: what would have happened if I didn’t move to Dubai? I would very likely have ended up with a completely different story. I probably would have graduated university already, had a job for a year or two (if I was lucky enough to find one) and moved in with a guy.

The Bianca who never left England when she was 6 years old would be a completely different person, but maybe she ended up moving to Australia too. Or maybe she’s touring the rest of Europe. Who knows?

This is also a contributing factor when it comes to my complete inability to make a decision. I always worry that I might be making the wrong decision thanks to my abundance of overthinking and ruminating about the impact of these decisions.

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I have often felt the longing of a future that seemed to just slip out of my fingers. I think the only word to describe it accurately is saudade, or ‘the longing that remains.

This untranslatable Portuguese term refers to the melancholic longing or yearning. A recurring theme in Portuguese and Brazilian literature, saudade evokes a sense of loneliness and incompleteness. Portuguese scholar Aubrey Bell attempts to distill this complex concept in his 1912 book In Portugal, describing saudade as “a vague and constant desire for something that does not and probably cannot exist, for something other than the present.” He continues to say that saudade is “not an active discontent or poignant sadness but an indolent dreaming wistfulness.” Saudade can more casually be used to say that you miss someone or something, even if you’ll see that person or thing in the near future. It differs from nostalgia in that one can feel saudade for something that might never have happened, whereas nostalgia is “a sentimental yearning for the happiness of a former place or time.”

https://www.dictionary.com/e/portuguese-terms/

I can’t be the only one who spends a few minutes here and there daydreaming about a life that could have been, with people that were once everything in my life. It’s useless to daydream, I know, but when I am lonely I find it comforting. Maybe I’m seeing life through one of doppelganger’s eyes for a moment.

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This is typical of me, I sit down to write one thing, and end up writing something else entirely! The words happen when they need to happen, the same way life happens when it needs to.

It’s quite a relief to be able to share some of my crazier thoughts and not be so self-conscious. I should remember to pull out my computer the next time I start thinking about some random theory. Who knows, maybe someone out there on the web might even agree with me.

See you soon

(Or maybe alternate-universe-me-and-you are having a cup of tea!)

xoxo

Binx

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