Hey guys!
*waves sheepishly*
It’s definitely been a while since I’ve written much of anything, but I promise I have a few good reasons why I’ve been MIA. I know, I know, there’s no excuse – writers should always be writing, right? At least that’s how I’ve always felt, and that mindset is why I struggle sometimes to call myself a writer.
It feels a little fraudulent because of how sporadic my writing has been over the past few years, but in the name of self-love I think it’s okay to be easy on myself. Over the past four (going on five) years, I felt like the only constant in my life was change.
I was constantly travelling between countries when I wasn’t at university or working. And between all of that I also changed unis two years in, and moved to three different apartments. Friends, boyfriends, breakups, long-distance, fights, parties, road-trips… I had all of it and more. Then I did it all over again when I moved.
My parents also travel a lot so I was never really sure when I’d see them or how long they’d be staying before they hopped onto a plane again. Mom’s company is in SA but she visits whenever possible, and Dad’s job is mainly in Dubai but he travels all over the world for work when he has to.
My sister was also thrown into the mix after she finished school and bounced between three different universities, so I hardly saw her for two years and then suddenly she lived with me and my Dad for a while, moved back home, then back to Dubai again.
In 2018 I finally felt like my life was settling down. I was comfortable with my friends and my routine. Then halfway through the year my parents told my me and my sister the news. We were transferring to the university’s main campus. It’s bigger, has better facilities, and more options when it comes to electives. And it’s in Australia. Perth, to be exact.
To say I was upset was a major understatement. I wasn’t ready to leave. Dubai had become my home, and I wanted to stay. I officially said goodbye to South Africa at the end of 2017 and stopped wanting to go back for visits because of how much I loved being in Dubai.
I cried and I fought back, but eventually I accepted that it was going to happen, whether I liked it or not. Moving to Australia was the only option. So I packed my bags at the end of January. Mekayla came for her first visit to Dubai and it really helped to make things easier. I said goodbye to all of my friends, my lecturers, my favourite spots. We had karak at Filli for old times’ sake, we had blue ice-cream in Dubai Mall, we watched the fountains, saw La Perle (for the second time) and did all the other touristy things that we never normally do. And then I left.
(Sidenote – I’ll talk about Perth and my experiences so far in a different post. This post is more about accepting the changes that scared me so much.)
After I left Dubai, I was in SA for 10 days or so and I started becoming very depressed. I didn’t want to go anywhere or see any of my friends. I just wanted to be alone so I could escape reality for a while.
I read a ton of books, watched series, ate a ton of my old favourite desserts (and a LOT of fruit), and I even Konmari’d my room and everything I brought back from Dubai. I was simultaneously going back to old habits and creating new ones in an attempt to figure out who I wanted to be.
I was preparing myself for the changes I couldn’t control by making changes I could control. I decided that as soon as I landed in Australia I would attempt to become a vegan. I’d been a vegetarian for the past two years, ever since I moved to a new University.
It really helped me at the time to distract myself and it gave me strength to be in control of just one tiny aspect of my life, while the rest of it unraveled and turned into something new. So, I decided to do it again and see what would happen.
I also decided that I wanted to be more mindful in general. I am prone to developing a ‘binge’ mindset and I wanted to develop control. This is whole topic on it’s own so stay tuned, but for the meantime, it really helped me to come to terms with this and make decisions about how I wanted to handle it.
I kept myself busy until the day of the flight. We had a stop-over in Dubai. A whole entire day, and it was entirely surreal. I had said goodbye just over a week ago and here I was back again.
I shut myself off because I didn’t want to let myself feel those emotions again. I was scared enough about moving to a country that I’ve never been to before. So I let the day be a happy one. I saw my best friend, Graeme, and we spent the day together. We caught up with a couple of other people and ate some of my favourite food. It was a perfect Dubai-day and I’m really grateful that I got to have a part of it, one last time…
I’ll tell you all about my thoughts about Perth in a new blog series I want to start, but for the meantime I just want to say that I think I’ve finally managed to settle in, at least a little bit. February was so busy and I can’t wait to tell you all about it.
Right now, it’s the beginning of March and I’m turning 23 soon. I’ve finally accepted the changes and I’m excited for the future, because change is inevitable and it’s up to us to adapt. I have a lot of work to do this month, for university and for myself, but I’m confident that I’ll be able to do it as long as I keep looking after my mental health.
I think it also helps that I can begin to think of this place in a more permanent sense than I ever could in SA or in Dubai. SA isn’t an option for the future I want, and Dubai is a constant gamble.
I think I might like Australia eventually. It’s not a bad place to live when you get used to the quirks, and it feels a bit like I went through the looking glass and ended up in an alternate universe.
I reckon I can call myself a writer again after this post, because it’s really been a long time since I’ve spoken about anything that is meaningful to me. I tried to do some regular blogosphere type things like the Blogmas but it didn’t come out right because I was doing it for the wrong reasons. I was ignoring what was truly on my mind in favour of distracting myself with cute graphics and cliche posts. It was forced and it showed.
Now I think I’m ready to find myself again.
Until next time!
xoxo
Binx
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9 Comments
Hey Binx!
Such an insightful post – I could feel your pain and confusion. I moved around a lot during my teenage years and I know how it feels to finally set down your roots only to be torn away and forced to start again. I’m actually from Australia, and I can guarantee that if you give it time – you’ll love it. I’m from Brisbane, never been to Perth actually! Hang in there! I’m glad you’re writing again. I can’t say the same for myself in terms of regular blogging – it’s so hard to keep up with when I have uni. Anyways best wishes and I hope Perth eventually finds a way to take up a special place in your heart ❤️
Hi Penny!
Thank you so much for the thoughtful response! It is pretty difficult to get used to a new country or city but it helps having online friends who make the transition a bit easier with their support. Really thank you for the comment and I hope I develop a soft spot for Australia, like I did for Dubai once upon a time. I’ll have to do some googling about Brisbane and add it to my travel list 🙂
xoxo
Binx
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And I love this post!
Firstly, it’s like reading about my struggle last year with writing… and the usual doubts about being a writer. It’s normal. It’s okay. We keep on.
Secondly, I’m turning 47 soon and there are changes still – all the time!
I think you’d love Australia. The writing world there is better than SA, and Dubai, I suspect. I would move there to get away from SA in a heartbeat, but we have no ways. We’re still trying for the States. Slowly, we are beginning to see a path, albeit a footpath with neither paving nor concrete. It’s better than nothing. 🙈
There is an Australian author I follow.. Well, I follow many, but this one deserves a special mention. You might want to check him out. His name is Chris Nicholas. I’ll check his blog now. He is an awesome writer and he has been writing from the heart, too. It makes his writing doubly excellent, if there’s such a phrase. 😀 He’s young, although not as young as you.
Maybe, we’ll visit Australia in the not-so-far future, although not in the near future. Despite considering it a possible home, if we could, it was never on my bucket list. I even have relatives there. The States always call. Even Europe, although I ignore it… for now. Asia also, but that’s first home.
I’m sorry, I haven’t been reading, too. But, at least, we’re back, right?
Much love and warmest hugs. ❤🤗😘
Thank you so much Anne!
It’s always nice to hear from you. I hope the States work out for you, I know how much your family loves it there 🙂 I’ll see if I can find Chris Nicholas online and see what he writes about (haven’t heard of him before hehe).
Yes it’s great that we both come back to writing every time, even from unplanned hiatuses!
Lots of love
Bianca
Always a pleasure. I’m happy you’re back in the writing world. What matters is we come back, right? We’re still struggling with being writers, hehe, so we disappear. The voice saying we’re a fraud as a writer becomes loud and we go back to our “day role”, but the passion must be strong. 😊 Sometime soon, we will both finish our Midsummer stories. 😝😉😋
We’re really like Americans at heart. 😁❤
I haven’t read Chris’s book. He’s only published one. I don’t remember the publisher. I think he’s still busy with the second book, or maybe It has also been published. Here’s his blog: https://therenegadepress.com/
Enjoy Australia.
Much love and hugs ❤😘🤗
You did so well my dearest. I see the world opening up to you. You have grown and grown, taken control and faced every challenge the universe threw at you straight up. I am so proud! I think there are very, very few nearly-23-year-olds in the world that can hold a candle….. Only wish I could be there for your Bday this year…. We’ll have to celebrate late but BIG…. Please make wish lists!!!
Love you lots and lots and lots, more than jelly tots (or anything else) xxxxx
Thank you so much Mommy!
It really means a lot that you still read what I write and that you always support me. We’ll definitely wait to celebrate when you and Daddy visit next month.
P.S. My wishlist is just to see you guys and the doggies haha XD
Love you to the moon and back
xoxoxo
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