So April and May were not the months for writing. Uni and life completely took over and I got a lovely case of Impostor Syndrome along the way.
Basically Impostor Syndrome is when you don’t feel like you belong and everyone around you is a heck of a lot more qualified and capable of being there than you are. Mostly it’s anxiety induced, and I have a rather large amount of anxiety on the regular so I’m not surprised.
Who Am I?
Uni semesters always seem to start out swimmingly and then before I know it, I feel like I’m in the deep end and drowning most of the time. I tend to sit on my little life raft and pretend that everything is hunky-dory, but it’s really really not and the more I pretend, the more I become completely overwhelmed.
I kind of suck at Executive Functioning: time-management, planning ahead, simply just knowing how to start tasks, and all that other good stuff that you need to be a fully functioning human in the fast paced life we all pretend we’re accustomed to.
Things that helped me stay grounded: my sister and the occasional hug, dog walks and kisses, phone calls with my parents, video messages with my besties, and Skype calls with my rock.
It kinda sucks that the majority of my support system are on different continents, but there’s not much I can do about it so I just have to deal as best as I can.
I finally managed to swim to shore and drag myself out of the crashing waves of unhealthy thoughts and emotions for a split second, and just long enough to realise that I need to make a whole bunch of changes if I want to be happy.
Gym Junkie?
A couple of weeks ago I joined the gym so I can go to group Yoga and Barre classes. I finally admitted to myself that I need something more than YouTube videos to get my endorphins flowing and I really really (desperately) missed going to group classes. I used to attend a lot of dance classes when I was in school; and it definitely left a substantial void when I moved overseas and dance stopped being in the budget.
I’m quite bad with sticking to promises I make to myself (unfortunately, but I’m working on it) especially about home exercise workouts. The lure of Netflix being right next to the YouTube app might have something to do with it as well. So, I hope that paying for a gym membership will be the ultimate motivation to keep myself healthy.
I went to a few classes already and I LOVE them so much! I also made good use of the three free Personal Training sessions that come with signing up for the membership. It inspired me to start strength training (one of many things I’ve always wanted to try but been too intimidated to just go for it) and I’m looking forward to a new chapter in my health and fitness journey.
Plant Momma?
On the same day of signing up at the gym, I also bought myself a couple of plants (and a succulent) for my room. I have been wanting to get houseplants for the last six months but I think I was looking for validation from others that I could actually keep the plants alive? I’m not really sure why but I haven’t felt very confident in making my own decisions lately (probably got something to do with how out of control I feel with most decisions that have been made on my behalf lately).
Today we repotted my little plant babies and my mom also bought a few succulents for the garden and we spent the rest of the morning weeding the lawns. I’d forgotten how much I really love working in the garden. It’s therapeutic. I used to love helping my grandma water her plants and I didn’t realise until recently how much my soul has been crying out to find a connection with nature again.
Book Dragon?
After weeks (okay more like months) of struggling trying to cope with my coding units at Uni, I realised how deeply unhappy it makes me to pretend that I’m good at programming. So, a few weeks ago I sent a request to change to a single major instead of a double so that I won’t have to do computer science units (programming) anymore.
The relief I felt after doing this was indescribable. Now I have time to figure out what I actually want to do with my life. It is definitely something book-related. Whether that’s an Author, Librarian, Editor, English Teacher, anything along those lines would make me so much happier than what I’m currently doing.
I’ll have the opportunity to study something at the post-grad level next year, so I have some time to figure it out and apply. I’ll also try find a part-time job while I’m at it. My CV needs a makeover, at the very least.
Content Creator?
Last but not least, I want to spend more time creating. I want to write that novel I’ve ‘been meaning to get to’ for the past few years. I want to make videos again to start a Booktube channel and spend more time on my photography for Bookstagram. I want to make pretty spreads in my Bullet Journal again.
I have missed putting in effort into something that I actually want to do and I want to be proud of what I’m doing. I want to bring colour back into this monochrome existence of mine.
This will require getting a handle on my daily routine – sometimes all I manage to do in a day is clean the house, cook food, and walk the dogs and then when I look up again, it’s time for bed. I have a horrible perception of time and I think time-blocking will be necessary from now on.
Fate Changer.
All in all, there have been a lot of downs these last few months and sometimes it’s up to you to create the ups when they don’t come naturally. I became used to having most things in my life be decided for me, so I surrendered to it and it was a bit like giving up. I was letting life pass me by.
I have come to the conclusion that the reason I was feeling like an imposter in my life is because I was yearning for a different life, a life from the past that doesn’t exist anymore. So much so, that I started having suicidal thoughts because of how much I didn’t want to be in this life anymore.
This move is a new adventure, not a punishment, and I was only able to find happiness when I fully embraced it and began looking for the places, hobbies, things and people that would bring joy to my life and my soul.
Until next time,
xoxo
Keep thinking Inklings!
